Every month, Club members get my new writing notes. This includes my analysis of effective web writing as well as web writing that could be better. I also include my latest copy tests – taken from work I’ve done for my clients as well as for my own projects. I show you what’s working now. Here’s a sample:
Writing Notes….
From an ad for Bose headphones
First lines:
Starts with bold subhead: Think of them as a peaceful getaway from the world around you.
“Whether it’s the engine roar inside an airplane cabin, the bustle of the city or the distractions in the office, Bose QuiteComfort 2 headphones help them fade softly into the background with the flick of a switch. You can savor delicate musical nuances without disturbing others.”
Nothing particularly wrong with it. Certainly a good overview of benefits. And I like the subhead – the idea of a peaceful getaway immediately conjures up pleasant feeling.
But the rest of the first paragraph is a missed opportunity. Especially when you consider this is at the beginning of the ad. And while “…without disturbing others” is another benefit – the copy jumps to this benefit before the reader “experiences” the primary benefit.
With a product like Bose headphones getting across the experience is crucial. As much as possible paint words that put the reader in the experience – into a scene. While it covers a number of experiences, here it’s better to concentrate on one experience – the most representative one – and get the audience into it. Example:
You’re on a long flight, and the engine roar of the plane is deafening – but you don’t hear it at all. You’re sitting back with your Bose QuietComfort 2 headphones, enjoying your favorite songs. With the flick of a switch on these special headphones you can block out out any noise around you and savor the music you love. Or just delight in utter peace and quiet.
Takeaway: When a product or service offers a new experience – put the reader into scene.
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From Knowledge Products Letter (all-time classic)
This classic sales letter is peppered with some very effective subheads and sentences. Here are two that employ structures that can be applied in many different forms.
“Best of all, The Audio Classics Series transforms downtime into the highlight of your day.”
Structure – Transforms [something mundane – or something with a negative connotation] into [something new, shiny, positive)
For example- The [product] transforms a 5 minute snack into a a low-calorie, high energy boost.
Subhead: “Get A Classical Education In Your Car!”
Structure – Get [something important, elevated, desirable] in [an everyday, mundane place or environment
Example: How to organize your life during commercials
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What’s Working – What’s Not
Which ad pulled better?
The second one outpulled the first one by 26%
Why? The first one has the virtue of being quick. But number 2 gets to the benefit quicker. And it immediately pile on the benefits. Simple system. Big money. In any market.
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But note that the first one is a bit more editorial which often works better now. But the clarity and of the benefit and the quick, declarative way it was stated won the day.
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